I think there should be some amendment thingy in the constitution that says: parents and teachers should not have the right to force you to cut your hair.
Hmm… maybe I’ll put Facebook petition and make people sign. #ActivistDude
First off, all these public speaking courses and all are okay, what I really need is one barber speaking course. No, seriously. You put me in a room full of beautiful girls and nicely I’ll talk all day long, but if you leave me inside salon without my Amma Appa, I’ll just sit there and stare at that one TV in the corner playing Saravanan meenakshi on star vijay(will they get married, will they not? suspense is too much ya!), but seriously, can you put me in a room full of beautiful girls? Seriously.
Only some one year back I picked up the courage to talk to barbers, so this time when I went I had already sat down with my Saetu friend and practiced my instructions in Hindi for that guy. So the minute I saw him I just felt like I was back in 9th grade 2nd language Hindi class, vomiting my mugged up essay about how ‘gow hamara maatha hai!’
So i walked inside and saw that barber bhaiyya. He only has one vomit-inducing haircut that 3rd graders call spikes. with what confidence I’m going to him god only knows. Anyways I’ll immediately launch into one 2 minute breathless speech that Shankar mahadevan would’ve been proud of – “bhaiyya, aap side mein under ko cut karke, upperberth se 3-2-1 ka fade karvaalo aur uski baadh back my machine math daalneka, hair ko medium long 4.34 inches rakhdhena bahuth bahuth shukriya.”
All this he will listen in one ear and leave out of the other like I’m some substitute teacher asking class to be silent. Then he will sit me down, wrap a white cloth around me, and just whistle. All of this he will do slowly, but semma speed-a he will take scissors and go fizzk-fizzk-fizzk and next second my seat will look like some Tarantino movie with hair instead of blood, and sometimes blood also.
Barbers have their own special language where long means short and medium means short and short also means short, basically everything means short and he is a choothiya. I’m sure my Amma gave him secret instructions to do this. So what if she is all the way in Bangalore and I got haircut in Calicut, this is all her conspiracy, I just knewed it!
Throughout this tragedy ill just be sitting there, staring at my reflection, watching the tears flow down my cheeks like tiny drops of regret, flowing down my ..um.. cheeks, only breaking eye contact with myself when he snips threateningly at my ear or manhandles my head and I hear some krrrkmrukk cracking sound from my neck.
Listen: These guys are evil. Barbers are predators who capitalize on the insecurities that every single person has- the knowledge that deep down, all of us believe we are super-duper ugly. He will ask you if you want special ayurvedic facewash to clear your blackheads; that your oily face requires this lotion from the Nile River of the Amazon jungles; and he will ask you to shave your non-existent, pre-pubescent beard. Then he will charge you 3500 rupees and make you thank him for getting rid of blackheads, dandruff, oily T zones and a lack of insecurities that you didn’t know you had until half an hour ago. whatte-wow-strategy. Self-help book writers take note!
After all this torture I sent a picture to Amma and she took one long look at it and said- what is this? He didn’t cut only or what! It still looks like a kuruvi koodu.
Ada ponga boss, IAmcannotabletotakeit.